Moist Panty Guide to Weight Loss

In the spirit of NYE resolutions or what I like to refer to as Disappointment and Self Loathing Laying in Hungry Wait for My Soul, I have cooked up a few methods that will guarantee a slimmer you. Now, as a preamble I suggest that you enter into this weight loss thing with the same gusto that you use when charging through the golden doors of your local Denny's and give this diet thing all that you got. Cuz if you don't, well, then you will always be a fat ass and panties will not, I repeat, WILL NOT moisten for you or because of you.

Method One: Fish. Now bear with me here. We have all heard a gazillion times of the healthy things fish meat can do for us. And personally as a Pisces (the fish sign stupid), I wholly encourage the eating of fish, especially the kind you find on that slow tour of tuna town. But if you want to loose that jelly roll the eating of those fruits of the sea is a sure fire way to get there, but only if you stick to the MP diet. Here's what you do. First purchase some fish, any kind will do, though I find Salmon works the best. Second, leave fish on kitchen counter for one to two days. During this stage is may help to go camping or visit some pals one town over. Third and lastly, consume that pink mess, raw for you asians, cooked in tartar for us white folk, or breaded and fried for my african friends. By next week you will be ten to twenty pounds lighter. As a bonus you will find yourself with that pale, sucked in cheek look that is so chic right now. You can thank me later.

Method Two: This one is my fav! It involves gratuitous drug use, involved touring of your city, new friends, intrigue, and bicycles! For some of you this may be be the easiest form of muffin top execution on the market. First step, find your local weed dealer and using your most subtle finesse, force him to hook you up with "the dude". Yep. "The dude" is that guy that everyone but you knows about. He is the one that slangs those drugs no one admits to using. But desperate times call for desperate measures. Get yourself some mudda fuckin crack. Do it. Buy in bulk, you'll thank me later. Now the obvious payoff here is an extinguished appetite. But if that is all you are looking for then call Jenny cause I am talking about total radical size dropping weight loss here. I won't even say that there is a definitive second step because at this point your off and running naturally. Just hang out in your living room burning circles into your carpet and watch those pounds fly off. Now, when that bag runs out hop on your BMX and cruise those mean streets looking for "the dude" whose has now become your mother, father, and best buddy. These rides will burn off what is left of your ass and will begin eating into your third chin, YAHOO! We are almost there. You will find yourself surrounded by new and interesting people. They have unique and colorful nicknames like Snot or Turd and they will give you your last push to waifishness. At this point in the game your should never leave the house without your tenny's because Turd has plans to rob you and when he does......run run run! The Nigerian track team will be knocking at your door any day now to recruit your fast ass. Wah-bam, look whose rockin those ill jean cut offs with panache? YOU!

Method Three: Go to college. I know, I know, not as easy as the other two. But many of you, my dear obese readers, have admired my sculpted sixer and my lean thighs. And this, friends, is how I did it. It is crucial that you have little to nil savings upon the entering of collegiate life. Your daily budget must be less then Ten dollars and your rich ole daddy must be so mad at you for dating Juan the landscaper that you are cut off from the family loot. If you can try to attend a school in L.A of San Fran, this will help in confirming your complete poverty. At some point, usually about week two of term one, you will find yourself bargaining with yourself about latte's versus pot pies. Eventually it will be rice versus air. The man in the Bart station holding a cup and selling that god damn Street Spirit news paper will begin to look like an entrepreneur with a golden future. It will hurt, but trust, this is the most effective way to lose it and keep it lost. How will that weight stay gone once you are gainfully employed by the job of your college dreams? Remember how cheap our grandparents were due to the trials of living through the depression? The scars of being a starving student and sweating a bag of ramen like a mofo smokin sherm craves a good tree to climb, will keep you frugal and prepared. These wounds, though closed by years of a regular pay check, will ache every time you think of buying any thing that isn't two for the price of one. Lean times keep the body leaner. Duh.

Aight then. Good luck! And remember, a good heart will not get you laid.

Peace!