Dare I say it? It is too fucking moist in Portland!!!!

This Sunday morn I awoke to yet another grey morning, yet another constant and merciless deluge of water coming from gods ass a.k.a the sky, and yet another mad rush to get my dog out side before his dry heaving turned into barfing. After a wet and uneventful childhood at the Oregon coast one would believe that I was seasoned in the arts of puddle jumping and mud boggin. And I am. But in the city it is more like puddle dodging and mud covered shoes. I could go other places, like Bend, where the powder is fine and the men are finer, or perhaps I could hop a plane and enjoy the dirrrty night life of Reno, drop it to the musical stylings of Coop or Vibesquad until the sun comes up, all the while enjoying the paganistic lifestyle to which I have become quite accustomed, thank you. But no. I am on a self imposed exile here in the wettest, most emo city in the fucking country, no, the world, and as my panties mold, I venture to ask, How moist is too moist? How much more wet can a pair of good old fashioned boy cut powder blue panties hold?


Google Moist. Apparently the poop is not only moist but it is also gay. Nuck nuck.

I digress. Where was I? Wet, bored, blah blah blah. What shall I do with my day, a one so like the last seventy? A day so filled to the brim with rain, that in the literal sense of the word my glass is most certainly more then half full? A day that stretches on and on and on into the kind of infinity that makes you want to stick your head in the oven ala Sylvia Plath? Well. I am going to make a list. That's what I do. I have useless little sheets of paper with lists from here to Bangladesh, no use stoppin now.

The Moist Panty List Of Things to Do When It's Raining (again) Like a Sonofabitch:

1. Spend a paranoid ten minutes staring out of the front window wondering which chicken ass clucker inhabiting this mud laden cul-de-nutsack is planning to rob you. Come to the conclusion that it will be the guy across the street with that stupid "Keep Portland Weird" sticker on his car. Cuz you know a person that thinks like that probably can't keep a job. Plus he kind of reminds me of Norman Bates. Call me crazy but I swear sometimes I can see his "mom" sitting in the window wearing a shawl, waiting for me to jump in the shower.
2. Brew the strongest french press ever and tweak out while you start fifty little projects, none of which will be finished before you crash. Caffeine is still legal people. But who knows for how long, so enjoy it before George Bush has it banned.
3. Post up to Facebook for like seven hours. It helps to have a colostomy bag attached prior to FB session, so as to not subject yourself to the five minutes of update-lessness. Keep snacks on the ready and remember to stay hydrated. Mountain Dew is my favorite. At some point you will need to drag yourself from the square headed boyfriend. It may help if you think of it as an opportunity to collect new clever one liners for which to update your status.
4. We all would love to consider our selves as "outdoorsy". But you are a god damn stinkin lying bearskin rug if you try to tell me that you go outside in this shit. Don't front. So, blow up that exercise ball you bought back when and bang out some awkward sets of reps of something. In the off chance that you ever get around to using that Meadows pass you best be in some kind of shape other than fat. (See previous genius blog for help in this area) If you don't have a ball or some other gym like implement then you might have to venture out to the gym. Though it does require a mammoth bit of effort, it could be worth it, if and only if, you actually make it all the way there. Don't stop at Taco Bell. The Chalupa's will only make you fatter. Trust me, I know.
5. Log on to Hulu and watch the crap out of it. Conan's last week was a banner period in television history. Catch up on your Grey's Anatomy spin off, the Private Practice, for some good frothy dramedy. Greek is a good one to watch if you can't let go of those college fantasies. Who amongst us watched "Revenge of The Nerds" at a young age and believed that college life would be just like that? Me. I did.
6. Organize. Pretend that it will help you be less of a spazz and more of a grown up with prospects. Put away your toys. No babe will ever come over twice if you have the definitive collection of unicorn heads nestled amongst your pillows. (Unless your Johanna, in which case you could have My Little Pony sheets and guys would still be banging down the door.)
7. Eat. Eat. Eat.
8. Drink. Drink. Drink.
9. Now take a nap. You need more beauty sleep apparently and why deny how exhausted you are from that time on the exercise ball?
10. Lastly, create an elaborate and interesting life that exists only in your head so that you can blog about it. No one will question you, they will be too busy getting "outside" and doing things.

And to you dry ones in other parts of our vast country, I hate you.